Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
A roof is a house hat.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose