me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
m’lady
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
what kind of cook setting is this??
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.