Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.