My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Eat…
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking