I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Duolingo getting serious.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?