normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
You Might Also Like
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]