I identify as an antique shop.
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If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
When news reporters do sports stories
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Am I having a stroke?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.