judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
We’re all getting idioter.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.