Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Yaba daba do not resuscitate