guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
HOW DARE YOU
time machine? you mean a clock?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.