she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
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-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
shut up and take my money
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.