“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Please do it!
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.