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Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.