My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
What do you hear?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.