I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed