Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
When I snag the last meatball.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.