When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.