You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
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Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy: