Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.