*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
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If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
How can I say no to this ?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”