Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
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It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
A leaf blower, but for people.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.