texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose