The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Me irl
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.