Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Many hands make light work
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”