At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not