She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
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I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Saturday
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy