DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I would like even faster food.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”