Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Just grow your own
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk