the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together