When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
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Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”