Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
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Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
These are too funny not to post 😂
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Perfect
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags