When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*