My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”