Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
You Might Also Like
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.