Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
This rocks
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
u spoke cat all this time??????
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Hamburger Hinderer.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish