Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
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I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”