Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?