I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
You Might Also Like
This was a bad idea all around
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
anyone else like Italian cereal
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.