Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Real House Wines.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up