*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Hitlers gonna hitl
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper