My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
A dad and his duck
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.