Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir