Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway