I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Oh my god
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks