Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
OH. COME. ON.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.