This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both