New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
no!! no!!!!!!
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.