[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Chicken bread
? 💀
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.