My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Namaste
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.