To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
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My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.